I've had nothing to say for the past.... long period of time, but suddenly that has changed. Periodically, my family goes out for Chinese. That in and of itself isn't interesting, and neither is the story I'm about to tell. After every meal, the waiter delivers an intricately sliced up orange, along with a fortune cookie. Let it be known that I find fortune cookies to be somewhat pointless, only replace the word "somewhat" with "incredibly" and the word "pointless" with "retarded waste of time".

Another tradition, which I blame on my mother, is that we read the fortune allowed. For my feelings on this, please read the sentence about my opinion on fortune cookies. I normally try to expose my lame humor at this time by saying such completely original fortunes like: "You will eat a stale cookie", "Help, I'm a prisoner helped to write fortunes" or, my favorite, "When walking through a melon patch, don't stop to tie your sandals" However, very recently I got a fortune unlike any other fortune I had seen. I was forced to read it aloud, which was met by much skepticism by my family. That is, until I showed it to them. I promise that this message is absolutely what I received in my cookie. If you have any doubts, feel free to stop by my room and look at it, or donate some sort of digital camera so that I may upload the proof.


And so it was:

"Wow! A secret message from your teeth!"

Good afternoon. My name is Ethics T. Foreclosure. I am a former account supervisor of Mr. Charles Mbobo who recently reached his ideal weight thanks to Hoodia, the miracle root from Africa. I received your contact information via Plaxo.

Regrettably the news I bring is not as enjoyable as a celebrity ringtone or barnyard orgy. In fact, if this news upsets you, you may want to try the discreet online pharmacy for prescription-free Xanax.

Unfortunately I have to report that Mr. Mbobo was killed in a terrible car accident. Although he usually spent most of his time making $15,000 in 30 days from the home he purchased with his pre-approved mortgage, he was in the free car he won as a result of participating in a nationwide ice cream survey. Sadly, Mr. Mbobo, his wife, and his two hot webcam girls were killed in the accident - a circumstance which can not be reversed like baldness can with an herbal cure. Mr. Mbobo's amazing replica Rolex was destroyed in the accident, and to make matters worse he had not taken advantage of a free auto insurance quote.

Mr. Mbobo had recently won the international lottery, which excited him more than discount Ephedra. He had planned to use the additional money to purchase shares of Koko Petroleum (KKPT.PK), a hot, undiscovered gem of a stock I would encourage you to purchase immediately. His funds, including monies received from his advance payday loan and $250 Old Navy Gift Card, were located in an account valued at $45 Million (US Dollars). These funds are currently in an account in Liberia. You needn't have earned your degree online to realize that Liberia is suffering from civil strife and as a result bulk ink cartridges are as hard to come by as Cialis soft tabs. The government can not be trusted with finances or complimentary platinum cards, just as surely as your PayPal account has been compromised.

For that reason, I am looking to spirit the funds out of the country. To do this I will require the assistance of a reliable party in your country - which is why I am contacting you and not an 18-year old hardcore hottie. In return for your assistance, I will offer 10% of the proceeds ($4.5 Million) and a chance to accept credit cards and enlarge your penis.

To properly execute this transaction I will require your complete cooperation and a Texas hold 'em poker face. You are known as someone who is trustworthy, with plenty of hot singles in your area looking for love. We believe you can help us get out of debt forever.

I await your contact at criminy.c@gmail.com but if you are unable to assist me, I ask that you erase all traces of this confidential, urgent message with the #1 spyware remover on the market.

I look forward to working with you more than a $99 Disney vacation.

Your good friend,

Ethics T. Foreclosure



Jackboot curry basic wigwam stiff adventure Kevin Bacon melon ladle birthday party cheesecake jellybean boom

Well... I guess I should qualify that. The original me isn't really back; he died a little under a year ago. What I meant was the non-doppelganger version of myself is here.

I was taken prisoner a little after Thanksgiving and held in their lair. Well... I guess that's not technically true either. What really happened is that they took me hostage but expected that I was a mere human and not the robotic entity I am now. Fortunately for me, their restraints only worked on more fleshy beings.

However, right before I was about to make my daring escape, I realized that I could go for another vacation. Thus, I let my doppelganger go to school for me while I relaxed in relative peace. I suppose they did flog me daily, but I'd rather take that then homework. This, of course, brought me to believe that my doppelganger wouldn't be doing my homework either. If I'm going to be a slacker, I might as well be one in front of my computer.

I'll save you the details of my escape, but suffice it to say it's rather disturbing to walk into your room and see yourself using your computer. I quickly clubbed him over the head with a wrench and tied him up using a PS2 controller. He's in my trunk right now. I'm not sure exactly what to do with him. Is it murder to kill him? Suicide? The legal ramifications of this are astounding and, quite frankly, I'd rather not deal with them. Thus, he will be locked in my trunk until such time comes that I have to remove him to drive home.


...There is one thing that still bothers me though...

When I was escaping, I clearly saw volscian in there. I didn't rescue her though, and I'm still not sure if I should have...

Was she the real one, held captive by the doppelgangers, or was it all a plan by Queen Doppelpoppelus to get me to free one of her doppelgangers and bring it back as someone I thought was real?


Things like this keep me up at night...

I just love it when my friends post Memes. It allows me to do them and then repost it. Joy!

YOU CAN ASK ME SIX QUESTIONS::
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v
No matter how random, revealing, rude, naughty or pointless
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=
I promise to answer them 100% truthfully
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=
[[[Repost this to see what others ask you...]]]

I've decided that I really don't hate stupid memes. I've been in repression this whole time. Today I decided to take all those tests I never did

( Read more... )

I went to the bagel shop today to get one my standard breakfast of a bagel with cream cheese. I there was a new guy behind the counter and it looked like he was having a hard time with the register, so I thought I'd help him out:

The total is going to be $2.13.

Hold on a minute, I'm almost done.

Okay...

Whoa, it was $2.13.

I handed him three dollar bills.

Well, I bet you don't know how much change you'll get back.

87 cents

He works on the register a little more.

Whoa, how'd you know that?

Some of us are just gifted that way



On a completely unrelated note, be glad you're not neighbors with this guy. As cool as it would be to see that in person, it'd probably cause seizures and head explosions after repeated viewings.

8.16 Derive the frequency for a superheterodyne receiver using high-side mixing.

I couldn't make this stuff up even if I tried.

Now I remember why I hate reading books.

I get something I enjoy and spend all night reading it as opposed to going to sleep, causing me to sleep through my classes the next day.

Not that this is any different from when I normally go to sleep...

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the most up to date person on this thing we call the intarweb, but this has to be one of the most screwed up things I have seen in a long time.

The Smurf Village Bombed

My first reaction was that it had to be a hoax, so I did a bit of googling and found it on such reputable sites as cnn, the bbc, and AP.

I understand the purpose behind it. But I still have to wonder who gave it the green light.

I think my roommate is trying to beat me at my own game. Remember how I made a fort out of the mattress I stole from him mysteriously acquired? Well, there was a period of time when he did not come in to claim his mattress the mysteriously acquired mattress.

I even goaded him into attacking by putting up Dante's quote: "Abandon all hope ye who enter here".

Little did I suspect the true nature of his plans...

I looked into his room one day and saw a cinder block. It was a bit odd, but then again, so is my roommate. I thought little of it.

The next day there was another cinder block, then another, then another. It appears as though my roommate isn't content with just building a fort; he's going to build a fortress.

Oh, how can my tiny abode, made of cloth of springs, even with the power of Divine Comedy overcome the wrath of a concrete menace?

Truly these are sad days, and I must come up with something to vanquish this abomination.

I was on my way home from class today and, by some cosmic fortune, did not have to spend five minutes waiting for the light to change to so that I could safely cross University. Now, this by itself is bizarre, but things are about to get even more strange.

I was just about finished crossing the street when I heard an odd whirring noise behind me. It didn't sound like a motorized scooter, and it definitely wasn't a moped. If I didn't know better, I would think it was a...

Nah... It couldn't be. But then I turned around, and it was.

Crossing the street behind me was a Segway.


And here I thought they only existed in stories to frighten small children.

They came and replaced one of my old, skanky mattresses today. What they did not do was take away the old one. While I was removing the skankier of the two old ones, I realized that with but a single more mattress, I could make a pretty awesome fort.

Realistically speaking, what worth is a bed when compared to a fort? I just sleep on a bed. With a fort I could hide under it...

And not come out for days...

And pace around on my hands and knees for hours on end...

And subsist on a diet of Cheeze-Its I find on the floor...

And roar ferociously whenever someone enters...



Yeah, it'll be awesome. Now all I need to do is find another mattress.

I wonder where I could get one...

*Glances over at his roommates room...*

Today is International Talk like a Pirate Day.

Just in case you'd forgotten.


Addendum: One of my teacher's today dressed like a pirate.

Bedtime Stories for Other People's Children
by J B Farley


The Boy Who Cried Fire in a Crowded Theatre
( Read more... )

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
( Read more... )

The Magic Can of Soda
( Read more... )


Goldilocks and the Three Bears
( Read more... )

Mmm... I'm kind of hungry. I wonder if I have any of those chocolate covered graham crackers left in the freezer.

Darn, looks like they're all gone.

Hey, that wasn't here last time. A big, red bag, with black splotches sticking out.

Huh... Looks like it's leaking.

I wonder what those black splotches are...

They almost look like... fins and a fish head.... aww... yuck...





On a positive note, my roommate's computer is finally hooked up. Then again, I don't think it has been turned on. I should liberate it, and give it to a person who would love and cherish it like a computer should be. I mean, it's not like he'd miss it or anything.



Such are the joys in life when you're only roommate is a jock, I guess.

Cut for language and length
( Read more... )

You are all hereby ordered to get free Krispy Kreme doughnuts tomorrow.

The mandatory link

That is all.

\/\/47c|-| 0u7, d00d, /\/\|cr0$0f7 |5 0n70 u5!!!!1!!!!11!3|3\/3|\|!!!

http://www.microsoft.com/athome/security/children/kidtalk.mspx

What is a haiku? I have never heard of it. Someone please explain.

Five syllables here
Seven in the second line
Five again, to end

Today is Haiku.
Oh-five-oh-seven-oh- five.
Scheme/Date synergy.

I understand that some of you have a real problem with driving, so let me make a few things abundantly clear:

Making a right hand turn from the left lane is a strict no-no. As funny as it would be to see you try to explain to a cop exactly why you did this, I would rather not have car ruined so that you can do so.

When you are making a left hand turn, and I am going straight, and we both have green lights, that gives me the right of way, not you. It is impolite to sit in the middle of the intersection, forcing me to stop to avoid hitting you. Furthermore, because I did not want to hit you, and thus stopped, it does not give the car behind you the right of way to make that left hand turn as well.

That is all.

Thank you.