Zeriawolf says: "I'm the Pharmacy Exile"

Something to say

2006-10-19T06:41:29Z

I've had nothing to say for the past.... long period of time, but suddenly that has changed. Periodically, my family goes out for Chinese. That in and of itself isn't interesting, and neither is the story I'm about to tell. After every meal, the waiter delivers an intricately sliced up orange, along with a fortune cookie. Let it be known that I find fortune cookies to be somewhat pointless, only replace the word "somewhat" with "incredibly" and the word "pointless" with "retarded waste of time".

Another tradition, which I blame on my mother, is that we read the fortune allowed. For my feelings on this, please read the sentence about my opinion on fortune cookies. I normally try to expose my lame humor at this time by saying such completely original fortunes like: "You will eat a stale cookie", "Help, I'm a prisoner helped to write fortunes" or, my favorite, "When walking through a melon patch, don't stop to tie your sandals" However, very recently I got a fortune unlike any other fortune I had seen. I was forced to read it aloud, which was met by much skepticism by my family. That is, until I showed it to them. I promise that this message is absolutely what I received in my cookie. If you have any doubts, feel free to stop by my room and look at it, or donate some sort of digital camera so that I may upload the proof.

And so it was:

"Wow! A secret message from your teeth!"

The World's Most Comprehensive Junk Email (Stolen from: Brian Sack)

2005-12-09T20:33:25Z

Good afternoon. My name is Ethics T. Foreclosure. I am a former account supervisor of Mr. Charles Mbobo who recently reached his ideal weight thanks to Hoodia, the miracle root from Africa. I received your contact information via Plaxo.

Regrettably the news I bring is not as enjoyable as a celebrity ringtone or barnyard orgy. In fact, if this news upsets you, you may want to try the discreet online pharmacy for prescription-free Xanax.

Unfortunately I have to report that Mr. Mbobo was killed in a terrible car accident. Although he usually spent most of his time making $15,000 in 30 days from the home he purchased with his pre-approved mortgage, he was in the free car he won as a result of participating in a nationwide ice cream survey. Sadly, Mr. Mbobo, his wife, and his two hot webcam girls were killed in the accident - a circumstance which can not be reversed like baldness can with an herbal cure. Mr. Mbobo's amazing replica Rolex was destroyed in the accident, and to make matters worse he had not taken advantage of a free auto insurance quote.

Mr. Mbobo had recently won the international lottery, which excited him more than discount Ephedra. He had planned to use the additional money to purchase shares of Koko Petroleum (KKPT.PK), a hot, undiscovered gem of a stock I would encourage you to purchase immediately. His funds, including monies received from his advance payday loan and $250 Old Navy Gift Card, were located in an account valued at $45 Million (US Dollars). These funds are currently in an account in Liberia. You needn't have earned your degree online to realize that Liberia is suffering from civil strife and as a result bulk ink cartridges are as hard to come by as Cialis soft tabs. The government can not be trusted with finances or complimentary platinum cards, just as surely as your PayPal account has been compromised.

For that reason, I am looking to spirit the funds out of the country. To do this I will require the assistance of a reliable party in your country - which is why I am contacting you and not an 18-year old hardcore hottie. In return for your assistance, I will offer 10% of the proceeds ($4.5 Million) and a chance to accept credit cards and enlarge your penis.

To properly execute this transaction I will require your complete cooperation and a Texas hold 'em poker face. You are known as someone who is trustworthy, with plenty of hot singles in your area looking for love. We believe you can help us get out of debt forever.

I await your contact at criminy.c@gmail.com but if you are unable to assist me, I ask that you erase all traces of this confidential, urgent message with the #1 spyware remover on the market.

I look forward to working with you more than a $99 Disney vacation.

Your good friend,

Ethics T. Foreclosure

Jackboot curry basic wigwam stiff adventure Kevin Bacon melon ladle birthday party cheesecake jellybean boom

I'm back

2005-12-08T05:49:56Z

Well... I guess I should qualify that. The original me isn't really back; he died a little under a year ago. What I meant was the non-doppelganger version of myself is here.

I was taken prisoner a little after Thanksgiving and held in their lair. Well... I guess that's not technically true either. What really happened is that they took me hostage but expected that I was a mere human and not the robotic entity I am now. Fortunately for me, their restraints only worked on more fleshy beings.

However, right before I was about to make my daring escape, I realized that I could go for another vacation. Thus, I let my doppelganger go to school for me while I relaxed in relative peace. I suppose they did flog me daily, but I'd rather take that then homework. This, of course, brought me to believe that my doppelganger wouldn't be doing my homework either. If I'm going to be a slacker, I might as well be one in front of my computer.

I'll save you the details of my escape, but suffice it to say it's rather disturbing to walk into your room and see yourself using your computer. I quickly clubbed him over the head with a wrench and tied him up using a PS2 controller. He's in my trunk right now. I'm not sure exactly what to do with him. Is it murder to kill him? Suicide? The legal ramifications of this are astounding and, quite frankly, I'd rather not deal with them. Thus, he will be locked in my trunk until such time comes that I have to remove him to drive home.

...There is one thing that still bothers me though...

When I was escaping, I clearly saw volscian in there. I didn't rescue her though, and I'm still not sure if I should have...

Was she the real one, held captive by the doppelgangers, or was it all a plan by Queen Doppelpoppelus to get me to free one of her doppelgangers and bring it back as someone I thought was real?

Things like this keep me up at night...

Another meme

2005-11-30T23:46:33Z

I just love it when my friends post Memes. It allows me to do them and then repost it. Joy!

YOU CAN ASK ME SIX QUESTIONS::
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v
No matter how random, revealing, rude, naughty or pointless
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=
I promise to answer them 100% truthfully
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=
[[[Repost this to see what others ask you...]]]

...

2005-11-29T08:07:27Z

I've decided that I really don't hate stupid memes. I've been in repression this whole time. Today I decided to take all those tests I never did

Which HP Kid Are You?

Sally

Which character from The Nightmare Before Christmas are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

<imgsrc="http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a211/cup_empty13/fallenangle2.jpg"<br>alt="Image hosted by
Photobucket.com">

Girl Name:
Lady Lilth

Guy Name: Darth
Diablo

*One day, you will rule the
world.*

You are quick to point out
someone's mistakes. You yend to hold grugdes
longer than most people but forgive people who
deserve death.

What Is Your Goth Name? (Updated!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Drowned, this has made you very catious. You hate
to do anything unless you know it is safe and
you are completly afraid of a lot of water.

How Did You Die? (Anime Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a Dragon Rider!
Color:Silver
Animal: Dragon
Stone: Diamond
Element:Air
Artistic and creative, you have a sparkling
personality. You inspire many to acheive their
dreams and most likely have many best friends.
You forge great bonds between your closest
friends and would die for them. Your boyfriend
is sarcastic and witty and has an intelligent
sense of humor. He tells you all of his
problems and you tell him yours, creating an
immense friendship. To him you are the most
precious person and he will protect you at all
costs. You are also highly connected to
animals, especially dragons. In a dragon
rider's culture the dragon kingdom gives an egg
to the town to keep peace between the two
species. The dragonling selects a person at
birth and for years you have to attend to the
dragonling's every need. It is a tireless job
and requires patience and attention, but after
a few years your efforts are paid by a lifelong
companion. The dragon travels with you
everywhere and communicates with you over a
mind link. Dragons are as intelligent as the
greatest schoalars and because of this you are
highly gifted in the arts. Your dragon loves
you with all its heart and gives you powers
like flight and super strength. During battle
you mount your dragon's back and tell it what
to do as it breaths fire and claws at the
enemies. You are legendary and your kind are
some of the most highly respected species. You
rock!

Which Ultimate Warrior are you? (Breath-taking pics and lenghty results!)
brought to you by Quizilla

	Monoethylene glycol: You are miscible with water, alcohols, aldehydes and many organic compounds. You will not dissolve rubber, cellulose acetate or heavy vegetable and petroleum oils. You are 50% more hygroscopic than glycerol at room temperature.
	Find out what kind of industrial solvent you are

You are

Fresh Step Scoopable Unscented

What brand of scooping cat litter are you?

You are an

quiz-taker

Find out what kind of quiz-taker you are

Repairing the crap HTML these quiz writers wrote takes forever and a day.

Told to me by one of my professors

2005-11-21T07:13:39Z

I went to the bagel shop today to get one my standard breakfast of a bagel with cream cheese. I there was a new guy behind the counter and it looked like he was having a hard time with the register, so I thought I'd help him out:

The total is going to be $2.13.

Hold on a minute, I'm almost done.

Okay...

Whoa, it was $2.13.

I handed him three dollar bills.

Well, I bet you don't know how much change you'll get back.

87 cents

He works on the register a little more.

Whoa, how'd you know that?

Some of us are just gifted that way

On a completely unrelated note, be glad you're not neighbors with this guy. As cool as it would be to see that in person, it'd probably cause seizures and head explosions after repeated viewings.

Homework

2005-11-01T05:45:52Z

8.16 Derive the frequency for a superheterodyne receiver using high-side mixing.

I couldn't make this stuff up even if I tried.

Books

2005-10-17T23:09:26Z

Now I remember why I hate reading books.

I get something I enjoy and spend all night reading it as opposed to going to sleep, causing me to sleep through my classes the next day.

Not that this is any different from when I normally go to sleep...

Smurfs

2005-10-16T07:24:05Z

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the most up to date person on this thing we call the intarweb, but this has to be one of the most screwed up things I have seen in a long time.

The Smurf Village Bombed

My first reaction was that it had to be a hoax, so I did a bit of googling and found it on such reputable sites as cnn, the bbc, and AP.

I understand the purpose behind it. But I still have to wonder who gave it the green light.

The cold war...

2005-10-10T04:03:20Z

I think my roommate is trying to beat me at my own game. Remember how I made a fort out of the mattress I ~~stole from him~~ mysteriously acquired? Well, there was a period of time when he did not come in to claim ~~his mattress~~ the mysteriously acquired mattress.

I even goaded him into attacking by putting up Dante's quote: "Abandon all hope ye who enter here".

Little did I suspect the true nature of his plans...

I looked into his room one day and saw a cinder block. It was a bit odd, but then again, so is my roommate. I thought little of it.

The next day there was another cinder block, then another, then another. It appears as though my roommate isn't content with just building a fort; he's going to build a fortress.

Oh, how can my tiny abode, made of cloth of springs, even with the power of Divine Comedy overcome the wrath of a concrete menace?

Truly these are sad days, and I must come up with something to vanquish this abomination.

An odd thing

2005-10-01T07:01:33Z

I was on my way home from class today and, by some cosmic fortune, did not have to spend five minutes waiting for the light to change to so that I could safely cross University. Now, this by itself is bizarre, but things are about to get even more strange.

I was just about finished crossing the street when I heard an odd whirring noise behind me. It didn't sound like a motorized scooter, and it definitely wasn't a moped. If I didn't know better, I would think it was a...

Nah... It couldn't be. But then I turned around, and it was.

Crossing the street behind me was a Segway.

And here I thought they only existed in stories to frighten small children.

Mattresses

2005-09-29T05:39:52Z

They came and replaced one of my old, skanky mattresses today. What they did not do was take away the old one. While I was removing the skankier of the two old ones, I realized that with but a single more mattress, I could make a pretty awesome fort.

Realistically speaking, what worth is a bed when compared to a fort? I just sleep on a bed. With a fort I could hide under it...

And not come out for days...

And pace around on my hands and knees for hours on end...

And subsist on a diet of Cheeze-Its I find on the floor...

And roar ferociously whenever someone enters...

Yeah, it'll be awesome. Now all I need to do is find another mattress.

I wonder where I could get one...

*Glances over at his roommates room...*

Arrr

2005-09-19T05:37:09Z

Today is International Talk like a Pirate Day.

Just in case you'd forgotten.

Addendum: One of my teacher's today dressed like a pirate.

Bedtime Stories for Other People's Children

2005-09-15T21:38:28Z

Bedtime Stories for Other People's Children
by J B Farley

The Boy Who Cried Fire in a Crowded Theatre
Many years ago, a boy was tending to his herd of goats in a very crowded movie theatre. The shepherd thought it would be funny to scare the other patrons, so he yelled out, "Fire!" All of the other people were frightened, and rushed out of the theatre. Six people died in the melee. Later on, when everyone had gone back into the theatre, the boy again shouted, "Fire!" Desperate to get out, the people stampeded up the aisles and through the only two exits (which was a clear violation of fire codes), and 11 people were trampled and killed. Again, the people filed back in when it became apparent that there was no fire. Soon, the movie started again, and everyone was enthralled by the latest Jerry Bruckheimer masterpiece. All were distracted, except for the young shepherd, who had to tend to a sickly goat. He alone noticed the small fire that broke out in the middle of the theatre. He screamed "Fire!" at the top of his lungs, but no one believed him anymore. He and his goats escaped through a back exit, and all the other patrons were consumed by the flames.

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
His name is my name too. I wonder if he was tormented as much as I was in middle school. Probably not, goddammit.

The Magic Can of Soda
A day just like this one, many, many years ago, a man was walking along the beach. Whilst strolling about, he happened upon a can of soda. Inside this can of soda lived a magical elf, who would grant any wish to the person who found him. The man stopped by the aluminum can, and crushed it underfoot, killing the little elf. The elf's broken corpse was later incinerated at the recycling factory.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears
A little girl named Goldilocks wandered through the woods one day, and came upon a cabin. She walked right in, and found three bowls of porridge. She tasted the first one, but it was too hot. She sampled the next, but it was too cold. The third bowl, though, was just right. She decided to sit in a chair. She sat in the first one, but it was too big. The next one did not recline. The third one was too small, and it broke. She said to herself, "My oh my am I sleepy." Wandering into the bedroom, she saw three beds. The first bed was too big. The second bed smelled faintly of cheap gin. The third bed was just her size. She snuggled under the covers, and soon fell fast asleep. But while sleeping, she was devoured by the wolf which was supposed to have appeared in the first story. The bears came across the mess later that night. Baby Bear hasn't slept right since.

Food

2005-09-11T03:22:10Z

Mmm... I'm kind of hungry. I wonder if I have any of those chocolate covered graham crackers left in the freezer.

Darn, looks like they're all gone.

Hey, that wasn't here last time. A big, red bag, with black splotches sticking out.

Huh... Looks like it's leaking.

I wonder what those black splotches are...

They almost look like... fins and a fish head.... aww... yuck...

On a positive note, my roommate's computer is finally hooked up. Then again, I don't think it has been turned on. I should liberate it, and give it to a person who would love and cherish it like a computer should be. I mean, it's not like he'd miss it or anything.

Such are the joys in life when you're only roommate is a jock, I guess.

WWII RTS

2005-07-28T08:03:41Z

Cut for language and length
If World War Two had been an online Real Time Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

Useful information

2005-06-02T06:07:14Z

You are all hereby ordered to get free Krispy Kreme doughnuts tomorrow.

The mandatory link

That is all.

Microsoft

2005-05-15T20:57:35Z

\/\/47c|-| 0u7, d00d, /\/\|cr0$0f7 |5 0n70 u5!!!!1!!!!11!3|3\/3|\|!!!

http://www.microsoft.com/athome/security/children/kidtalk.mspx

Haiku day

2005-05-07T18:32:16Z

What is a haiku? I have never heard of it. Someone please explain.

Five syllables here
Seven in the second line
Five again, to end

Today is Haiku.
Oh-five-oh-seven-oh- five.
Scheme/Date synergy.

Public service announcement

2005-04-23T02:08:53Z

I understand that some of you have a real problem with driving, so let me make a few things abundantly clear:

Making a right hand turn from the left lane is a strict no-no. As funny as it would be to see you try to explain to a cop exactly why you did this, I would rather not have car ruined so that you can do so.

When you are making a left hand turn, and I am going straight, and we both have green lights, that gives me the right of way, not you. It is impolite to sit in the middle of the intersection, forcing me to stop to avoid hitting you. Furthermore, because I did not want to hit you, and thus stopped, it does not give the car behind you the right of way to make that left hand turn as well.

That is all.

Thank you.

Great Sentences

2005-04-02T10:39:51Z

Here are some extremely geeky riddles. See if you can figure out what these sentences are saying.

Hint: All of these words are English words. Answers have been cut.

Notice how all the letters are mutually exclusive and collectively exhaustive.

Cwm, fjord-bank glyphs vext quiz

Translation: Carved figures in a mountain hollow and on the bank of a fjord irritated an eccentric person.

For this one, all the words can be found in the Merriam Webster Dictionary

Junky qoph-flags vext crwd zimb

Translation: Trashy flags with a design resembling the Hebrew letter qoph exasperated an Ethiopian fly whose customary habitat was an ancient Celtic stringed instrument.

The words are a bit more obscure in this one, I had to log into the Oxford English dictionary to get crwd and zimb

Update, or lack thereof

2005-04-02T03:23:16Z

I was going to make an entry today, but then I realized that the day being what it is, you wouldn't believe me anyway.

That is all.

Superman

2005-03-31T03:40:40Z

Now featuring Superman

I think the term "Hippie Gang" is funny. I will have to start calling others this derogatory term.

Bat man comics

2005-03-17T07:47:57Z

I'm not a big fan of comic books, but these are just too funny.

It wouldn't be nearly as funny if he didn't say: "Not again!" It's almost as if this is an every day occurance...

Homework

2005-03-11T09:23:52Z

It's about time for another one of my monthly updates.

My homework partner and I recently had a question where we had to determine why a certain piece of code behaved the way it did. With know obvious solution, we were forced to turn to the book to get an answer. Unfortunately, the book had none, thus we were left asking All Knowing Google what the answer to our problem was.

Sadly, All Knowing Google was too busy gathering information to trifle with our plea. After toiling half an hour we came to the sad conclusion that we could not come up with the correct answer, or anything like unto it.

I feel that any question I'm going to turn in should always have an answer, no matter how stupid it may be. Keep that in mind, as my answer is unveiled:

"That works the way it does because my mom told me so...
You're not calling my mom a liar... are you?"

I received that homework assignment back today, on that question I got 50%. Hooray for TAs who are willing to trade points for cheap laughs.